Posts Tagged ‘break up’

Sentimental Sunday: Would You Stay With A Cheater?

It’s summertime — you know what that means. Everyone is breaking up! Engaged for only about six months, Jesse James and Kat Von D both separately confirmed the split. On July 25 she tweeted: “I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, that’s all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.” A few days later she blogs about the break-up saying, “none of this happened overnight.” Jesse, on the other hand, gave People magazine a reason to why they ended things. “I’m so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much.”

But what do you usually think about a long-distance relationship falling apart? You find fillers to take care of your carnal needs. Especially in Jesse’s case, he’s got a history of cheating after the whole dilemma with Sandra Bullock. Author of Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love Pat Love, Ed.D, recalls the saying, “When you are not near the one you love your love the one you’re near.”

How does cheating happen, anyway? Pat believes that “it’s really not about you. This is why infidelity can occur in good marriages.” You can’t think that someone decides to cheat because he or she isn’t happy with the relationship. We might have to dig a little deeper than that. Dr. Paul Zak, neuroscientist and professor at Claremont Graduate University in Southern California, says, “If you look at the way the human body is structured, we have a monogamous brain and promiscuous genitals.” Biologically speaking, our bodies were made to have sex with multiple partners. If society didn’t call it taboo, our entire conception of the traditional family would be lost forever. Scary! I’d rue the day my grandchildren tell me there’s no such thing as ‘cheating.’

So would there be any reason to stay with someone knowing he’s cheated and has full potential to do it again? Why would any rational being be okay with that? Are we just cheating ourselves? Dr. Katz says, “I think humans have this ability like animals to deceive themselves.” Maybe it’s better to live in denial, pretend it never happened. After all, we need to move on and accept things the way they are. Arnold Schwarzenegger will never change. Bill Clinton will never change. Jesse James will definitely never change. But their wives are taking the hit and letting it go. “When you’re with an unfaithful spouse you want to believe they’re faithful so you can feel calm and safe.” says Pat.

But I think there’s something uncanny in pretending to be fully committed when there’s so many obvious facts suggesting otherwise. Dominique Strauss-Kahn‘s wife, Anne Sinclair fought for her husband over the May 2011 accusations on a sexual assault in New York City. There must be more to a relationship than monogamy or we’re looking at a gloomy future. Pat advises, “It’s all about integrity. What’s your promise to each other? It may not include sexual fidelity but it can still have integrity.” I understand that we all make mistakes and it’s good that infidelity is more like a slap-on-the-wrist rather than the traditional neighborhood riot banishing you out of your own home. But what would be the new foundation for a relationship? Is it purely subjective to each individual or should we have a standard?

According to Newsweek, when confronted about Dominique’s ‘skirt-chasing’ ways, his wife was reported to have said either “That’s my problem, not yours,” or “I’ll change you.” She’s clearly taking her role as the wife in its traditional sense and will support her husband completely. Anne even continues to say, “He’s a seducer, not a rapist.” If she signed up for this from the get-go, can we really be surprised about this behavior? At first I figured she had a lot of control over her marriage and was content with the infidelity. But now I’m beginning to worry that this will set the example for more infidelity tolerance in relationships. How will we behave? On this situation Dr. Zak argues, “She’s accepted this quirk of biology which that people, lots of people will have multiple sexual partners in the lifetime and often when married.”

According to the 2007 Pew Research Study, a margin of three to one Americans believe that marriage is for personal fulfillment not for the
bearing and raising of children. I guess sticking to one partner might only be half the battle these days. Dr. Zak suggests, “I think we should be humble and accepting that people’s life situations are different from ours, and that we may never understand why we would come to the accommodations that we come to.” So we’re back to square one. It’s really a matter of preference whether or not you should stick with someone who is cheating on you. It looks like we’re on our own on this battle!

Until next time! Follow @missamandachen

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Sentimental Sunday: Why Did We Break Up?

On July 12 it was official: Jennifer Lopez, 41, and Marc Anthony, 42, announced their divorce. They reported to People magazine saying, “We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters.” Married since June 2004, this couple can’t take it any longer.

Here are the rumors on why they broke up: Marc was jealous, Marc was controlling and Marc was cheating (notice how none of the problems were from Jennifer). I’m not so sure about the last one, but the first two claims are believable. I don’t think any of them expected Jennifer’s career to explode like this. Becoming People‘s ‘Most Beautiful Woman Alive’ at 40? Now that’s an achievement.

Is it me or is Jennifer literally going back in time? She looks younger and more beautiful every day. On top of it she’s judging American Idol and just released her new album, LOVE! She’s on a roll and Marc definitely isn’t acting like her number 1 fan. And why would he be? It makes sense that he would be jealous. How can he possibly compete with her when it’s always ‘JLo and Marc’ and never ‘Marc and JLo.’ Can he handle being ‘the husband’ and not ‘the man?’

Carla Lundblade, Beverly Hills sports and celebrity psychology councilor, believes that each individual has to make a unique decision for his or her own life. She says, “True happiness comes from genuine relationships and giving back in a way that is bigger than yourself — a way that helps other people.” Perhaps Marc feels like he doesn’t offer Jennifer the support he used to. Just being her husband might not be suffice for their relationship anymore. I mean, for a girl who has everything, what more can you offer her?

If this type of happiness is too difficult to obtain, there’s an easier way to get your happy fix — get it on your own. “Instant gratification is one aspect of happiness that everyone benefits a certain percentage from,” says Carla. I’m sure they love each other and love their children, but if they’re both so focused on their careers it’s difficult for me to imagine a lot of action in the bedroom. Perhaps their professional success might be more instantly gratifying.

It doesn’t help that Jennifer is super sexy and surrounds herself with equally sexy people. According to TMZ, there was nothing between her hubby co-star William Levy aka ‘Brad Pitt of Cuba’ during the filming of her hot ‘I’m Into You’ music video. “The only relationship there was or is, is a professional relationship. That’s all there’s ever been.” Purely professional or not, she’s still lying half naked next to a shiny, ab-tastic chest. God, talk about having the best job ever. Yum! I mean, all in a day’s work…

Speaking of other hot guys, did you know that Jennifer’s mom Gaudalupe reached out to Ben Affleck? Us Magazine says the divorce was announced three days after Ben’s response. We all remember those ‘Bennifer’ days and how intense their love seemed. Do you feel the same way about her and Marc? Sources say he was a ‘bad husband.’ But I think if he wanted to perform with his own wife on American Idol it should be okay. Why does that make him controlling? We can’t know all the details, but to me it looks like Marc was trying really hard to keep them together. I guess a little too hard. He pushed his woman to the edge!

I know we’re talking about celebrities, but the way the couple openly discussed their divorce and are working together on the legalities of it shows that this was a decision they made together. Carla isn’t being optimistic about break-ups. She’s just suggesting that there doesn’t really need to be a specific problem in the relationship for a couple to make this decision. “Divorce is just one of those life changing moments that a lot of growth can come out of.”

Statistically speaking, 60-80% of athletes and celebrities become divorced or have financial difficulties. With facts like that it’s hard for Carla to be surprised about Jennifer and Marc breaking up after seven years. But were they selfish for wanting to go on their own? What about the kids? Carla believes there is nothing selfish about getting a divorce. If anything, it shows a sign of maturity. “If a couple is choosing to stay together only because of the kids but are not happy with each other. Kids know what’s going on even if it’s not spoken about,” she argues. “Life is not easy for any of us and we can’t affect the tragedies that happen over time. If our kids don’t experience this in divorce they will experience it in other ways.”

Do you think JLo and Marc Anthony just grew apart, or do you think there was a secret scandal that happened behind closed doors?

Until next week! Follow @missamandachen

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