i am at home in scarb right now – cant help but feel like an alien.
life is much different on my own.. and in the last 6 years thats where i have been!
living with my friends in school, living with my boyfriend, living with my dog… living in a space where i can be myself, think myself and live myself… a gift i always forget til i come home for a few days…
i guess im just at a diff demographic
cant live on the schedule, diet and lifestyle of a 53 and a 85 year old..
back dt tomor..
when we were young, we were encouraged to eat what we liked, do what do choose and choose what we say. now when we are older, our choices are determined by what’s good for u. do u eat tuna because u like it? or do u eat it cuz its good for you? do u like this guy bc you like him or because he looks good beside u and can provide a certain life for you. do you choose to be happy because you are happy or because u look better with a smile on your face?
so said someone important. do you think it was voltaire?
i really enjoy the act of speaking my mind, when words are spoken, they are clearer than any thought in my mind. when i explain explicitly all that i wonder with my brain, i am but a much happier person.
i said all i had to say and now its april. exactly a year ago, i left my cushy life for one that stood for truth. i left what i thought was going to be the last relationship of my life. little did i know, the most important relationship i still needed to improve on was the one with myself. i need to reconcile the within my gemini-ness and be true to all that i am and was meant to be.
i get frustrated sometimes, like an actor working with those who did not learn their lines. one that has to improvise constantly to save the show. one that is constantly reinventing herself for the sake that the show must go on.
when i dont know how to react to situations a laugh. its something i have adopted into my life in the past 22 years. Seeing that crying its not acceptable, better to laugh i guess. circles are dominately my thoughts today and round and round the thoughts come back around. its so cold i can hardly think. so cold because the wind gusts even in april. so cold because sleeping alone warms my heart not. the inuits came call real cold nites a ‘three dog night’. because in order to survive the nights bitter cold, the need to sleep with three dogs with them in their tent or wigwam or whatever. sometimes i feel its a three dog nite during this phase of my life. just cant seem to get warm enough when the cold creeps back in unexpectedly.
i have been thinking of instant. the instant photo, the instant love, the instant money, instant answers. of course im impatient, ive never been asked to wait… but now destiny and fate has dealt me a hand i know not how to play.